Willow

Julia Hoban

"... there's a terrible disconnect between what she does and what she feels when she sees the fruits of her labor, but it is not easy to be rational when the urge to cut is upon her." - Narrator, Willow

Willow is a 16-year old girl who has recently become an orphan. Both of her parents died in the same terrible car crash one rainy night -

While Willow was behind the wheel. She left the wreck physically unscathed, but mentally a  complete wreck. Feeling the burden of "being responsible" for both of her parents' deaths, she implodes into herself and struggles to find a way to cope with her guilt. She can barely look at her brother, David, and her peers at school don't know how to talk to her anymore now that she's been through this trauma. So - Willow turns to cutting herself to express her pain and to feel something - anything - other than guilt and shame.

But when she meets a boy named Guy (silly name in my opinion), Willow begins to learn how to live again.

Self-harm, like eating disorders, is yet another social taboo that many people don't talk about except to make fun or to accuse the people who turn to it of being "attention whores."

Once again, ignorance is apparently all the rage in the general population.

There are so many reasons why people, especially young people, self-harm. Sometimes it's to express pain they can't put into words, sometimes it's to punish themselves, or to "see" emotional pain, or to feel anything other than their overbearing emotions, just for a moment.
To not have to think for a bit.
Regardless of why people do it, just the fact that someone would intentionally hurt themselves - slice into their own skin -like that is troubling.
Even if someone is "doing it for attention" then there's clearly something that needs to be dealt with right there. Why are they so desperate for someone to pay attention to them?

Anyone who self-harms needs help.

The first time I intentionally hurt myself, I think I was in 6th grade. It started out with me accidentally stabbing myself with one of those wire coat hangers; something was happening with my father and I had ran into my room, shut the door, and slid, back against the door, to the ground where the hanger was. The pain was unbearable and I clutched at my hand in pain before realizing that I hadn't thought about the father altercation because I was distracted by the pain.
So - it started out as scratching and then progressed into worse things that eventually led to scarring. I didn't really know what I was doing; I didn't know it was a "real thing." I just knew thought it helped. It was my way of punishing myself for being a bad person while making me not think at the same time. It was addicting.

It always made me feel better in that moment - but then it would all just come back and I would be left with scars that just made me think of everything that I wanted to forget in the first place.

The scars I have remind me of it every day - my past, my mistakes, my failed attempts at being "okay" - there's hundreds of white lines on my body, mostly on my stomach.
I see them every day. Every. Single. Day.
I haven't been to the beach in years. I can't stand to be in rooms with certain fluorescent lights because I can see them more clearly. I can't wear all the clothes I'd like to.

I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm scared of what people would assume - or having to explain it to people if they asked. Because what would I even say?

I think what I'm trying to say is, I don't want you to end up like me - 20, still coping, ashamed of what I've done to myself, no way to go back.
There are better ways to cope - or at least distract yourself from the urges until they pass and you can find a completely new way to cope.

LOOK

THEM.

AT

Here are some things I do:

• Look at loads and loads of pictures of baby animals (See above -- I have a 250+ photo album on Facebook all for this.)
• Journal (Like I said here, it's kept me sane.)
• Color in a coloring book
• Draw on yourself around the places you would usually hurt yourself (create a nice landscape or some cute puppies)
• Don't allow yourself to be alone (sometimes I walk and visit people or professors or go to the library)
• Record yourself rambling into your webcam to try to make sense of your feelings (also, talking to yourself in a mirror)
• Call a friend (you don't have to tell them what's going on, just keep occupied)
• Read a book!
• Cry (Sometimes if I just cry it out, I get sleepy and can [see next] )
• Curl yourself up in a blanket burrito and take a nap in the warmth
• Play some video games
• Take up a hobby (sewing and crocheting are actually really fun)
• Do anyttthiiinnnngggg!

I haven't hurt myself since April of 2012. I know it doesn't seem like long time, but now, whenever I get the urge to do anything, I just think "No, you're not going to screw it up now! It's been __ months! You got this." And then I distract myself until the feeling goes away.

Sometimes it takes a while, but it does go away.

If I can do it, you can too.
I believe in you.