Go Ask Alice

“At this stage in my life nothingness is better than somethingness.” 
– narrator, Go Ask Alice

I think most people have felt like that before – that it would be better to give up for a bit. To “stop life and get off,” as the narrator of this novel says. When I was younger, I used to think that maybe I'd grow out of feelings like that - but I must admit that at 20, I still feel like jumping ship sometimes. And I know plenty of adults , including those who are older than I am, feel that way too.

I think that's why we're drawn to stories of struggle - because pain is part of the human experience that we all understand to some extent.

Go Ask Alice is the story of a 15-year-old girl growing up in the 70s. Now, her real name is never actually mentioned, but just for simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to her as Alice. Alice has just turned 15 and is at the end of yet another school year. Because her only close friend has gone to camp for the summer, Alice decides to visit her grandparents in the town she used to live for the summer months. While visiting, she meets some new friends, but she quickly discovers that they’re not who she thought they were. What started with a game of “Buttons, buttons, who’s got the buttons,” a “game” involving sodas laced with LSD, Alice is hooked, trapped in a downward spiral into drug addiction. Severe drug addiction. For an entire year, it sends her running around the country in search of her next fix and a new place to belong.

While intriguing on its own, I think the most interesting aspect of the novel is that it’s written as a personal diary. There has been debate over whether or not this is an actual diary (the editor claims it is, but the public is skeptical), but the voice, tone, and language all reflect what you would expect to find in the secret diary of a young teenager.

For as long as I can remember, journaling is something I’ve done to keep me sane; I have journals dating back to first grade, and I still keep one today (though there never seems to be enough time to write in it as much as I’d like). I’ve never shared my journals with anyone, and in all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. Journaling is such a deeply intimate experience. Most of the time, empty pages are easier to talk to than people. Within journals, we can actually say what’s on our minds instead of editing our thoughts for presentation to others. We can work though issues, express ourselves, figure things out.

I think that’s why I found Go Ask Alice so fascinating. We are seeing the uncut thoughts of a girl grappling with a life of addiction when we read. We are in her head completely; all we get to hear is her side, her story, her pure, honest emotions. We are helpless observers of Alice’s cyclical addiction and loss of innocence.

If you journal - WHY do you journal? Is it because you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to? Do you feel like you can only be completely honest with yourself and that piece of paper? Are you nervous or scared to talk about it?
Maybe you feel like no one - not even you - understands exactly what you're going through and you just need time to figure it out?

Somewhat surprisingly, Alice’s family is wonderfully supportive throughout her entire struggle. Sure, they don't completely understand what she's going through (because no one really can without being in the other person's shoes), but Alice runs away from home more than once, only to be welcomed back with open arms by her family each time. I mean - she left her family in total darkness, and felt like she didn't deserve her family because they were being so great - but despite this, they still cared. They still loved her.

I think this shows two things:
1.  You don't have to come from a "rough and tough" background or home life to go through things like this.
2.The support you may find within your family system (or anywhere, really- like school) may surprise you.

Here's a puppy - please smile!

I feel like a common misconception is that anyone with a "problem" can blame that problem on something that happened to them when they were growing up. You know - the old Freudian "blame it on the parents" bit. I guess that can be true sometimes - but sometimes things just... happen. Life happens and there's no real way to place blame - not like blaming solves anything anyway.
Sometimes if people think they "don't have a reason" for feeling bad about life, they then feel guilty about feeling bad - and that just makes anything worse. People make them feel like they have "no right" to feel the way that you do.
That is NOT the case. Like my old teacher said "there is no need to ever apologize for feelings." You can't help what you feel, and it's really not your fault. Your feelings are just as valid as someone who's had a different past than you have.

Also - give your family a shot. I know sometimes you might feel like they have no idea - but you really can't know for sure until you try.
If you're right, and they're not supportive (or they're the cause of your misfortune), keep trying with other people. Go to an extended family member or a teacher or a best friend who can help you find help.
Someone will help you. You just can't give up.

Like I said in the Everybody Sees the Ants post, no matter what you're going through you ARE worth the help. You don't deserve to be feeling like poop.
Try. It just takes one sentence.
“I need you.”