Speak

Laurie Halse Anderson

Speak was the first novel I read for my Young Adult Lit class this semester. My professor gave us a choice between a few "contemporary classics," and I literally ran to sign up for this one before all the spots in the group were filled. I actually tried to read Speak when I was in 8th grade, but I couldn't get through it because it was too triggering for me. I thought I could do it this time around.

Speak isn't a "new" novel by any means -  it was published in 1999 (oh lord, before Y2K) -  but it's still ridiculously relevant. That's what I like about books like these; even if they're nearly 15 years old, they still ring true and touch readers today.

Throughout the novel, we follow a new high school freshman , Melinda. Melinda, I suppose, is an average freshman - awkward, funny, inwardly sassy - but something is slightly off about her. She is completely shunned by her peers, including the group of girls who were her best friend in middle school. We find out that over the summer she "ratted out" a party where under-aged drinking was going on, and quite a few people got in trouble for it. Her peers spit words at her in the hallway, and treat her like crap every single day. Melinda, for the most part, is good at pretending like everything is okay, but because this story is told from her 1st person perspective, we get insight into her mind. Sometimes Melinda will break down out of nowhere  and wonder about how things would be if her peers and family "knew what really happened" at that party. Throughout the novel, Melinda struggles with demons from her past and has to make some difficult decisions to keep going.

Melinda's inner struggle is truly heartbreaking, but I found myself unable to put down the book and abandon her.

Warning: Spoilers Below~

In all honesty, it had been a while since I last read a novel that impacted me like Speak did. I think it just happened to come at a time in my life when I needed it.

Now, whenever I read any book, I always impulsively mark quotes that mean something to me personally. I often find that I am too inarticulate to express my feelings with my own words, but the moment I see that someone else has successfully articulated what I wish I could, I go - "holycrapIneedtomarkthis" and stick post-it notes all over the place.

Maybe sharing a few quotes that I marked and explaining why I connected to them will be a good way to start this blog. Maybe.
I'll try, anyway.

Page 9 - “It is easier not to say anything. Shut your trap, button your lip, can it… Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say.” - Melinda

When I first tried to read Speak in the 8th grade, this is the quote that made me stop reading.
The August before 8th grade started was the first (and last) time I called the police on my father for his abuse. He had been abusive my entire life, so I guess I was used to it, but this was a night where he was particularly violent; he had pinned my sister to her bed with his body and was screaming two inches from her face as he throttled her. I tried to pull him off of her, but I was too little and couldn’t do anything, so I panicked because I thought she was going to suffocate to death, so I sprinted to the phone and impulsively called the police. When they got to our house, my dad lied to them. He said that my sister had attacked him. Despite the fact that there were two sobbing girls in the other room, clearly terrified, talking around the truth of what happened in their "home" every day, the police believed him.
Nothing ever came of that night. No investigation. No follow-up.
Nothing.

That was the first time I had told anyone a little bit of what was happening within those walls.
And it would be the last until I was forced to talk to therapists years later.

Melinda’s thoughts were exactly what I believed during the time I first tried to read Speak. I had tried to use my voice and tell someone what was happening, but I failed. Nothing had changed, and I had never felt more helpless. It was easier just to shut up and try to deal with it on my own than to have my hopes crushed again. If the people who were supposed to be the utmost protectors in life weren’t going to help me, then who would? Nobody. So I just shut my mouth and pretended like everything was great. No one cared anyway, and the last thing I wanted was to be a burden.

Reading Melinda’s words was triggering for me. It made me think of things I had been putting all of my energy into pretending didn’t exist. So – I put the book in the back of my closet and forgot about it until years later.


Page 188 – “I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can I find my way? Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears?” – Melinda

When I was younger, I always thought that once I escaped my house and left for college, everything in my life would somehow magically get better.
But within the first month of being at school, I was sexually assaulted by someone who I trusted. I wasn’t raped, like Melinda was (that's what happened to her, by the way - don't think I mentioned that yet), but what happened to me is defined as sexual assault.
It was really a big slap in the face. The place where I was supposed to learn how to really live and function became yet another place to fear. I, like Melinda, kept what happened to me to myself. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened until second semester when I fell into seeing a school counselor. I was in such a bad state due to my past and the new trauma that my counselor almost pulled me out of school and sent to the hospital.
Needless to say, it was kind of rough.

I feel like this quote defines me, at this moment. Like Melinda was when she said this, I am just beginning to heal. I’ve been talking to people slowly; my story is unfolding. I can usually function on a day to day basis without reliving the worst moments of my life like a broken record. I realize that there isn't an "axe that I can take to my memories," though.  I’m never going to forget the things that have happened to me, even if I want to. But -- it's scary to think of who I would be without all of these things in my past. Most of the time, I feel like my past defines me; it dominated my life for so long, I'm lost though I'm supposed to be "getting better."
I don't know. I guess I can try to turn crappy life situations into positives, but I have no idea how I’m going to do that. I’m sure as hell going to try though. I survived. I am still here.
I actually want to be here.

I’ll find my way one day (and you will, too). I think it's just a matter of when.

Format

Okay- 

So I figured since I already did a pathetic little introduction thing,  it would probably be a good idea to set up a format of some sort that you can depend on. I don't know about you, but I usually find comfort in structure. (Also, I tend to ramble sometimes, so I feel like I need to keep myself on some sort of leash).

HOLY--- a book!

I suppose I should start off with some "qualifications" that can help classify a piece as YA lit. So you know what to expect, I guess. Believe it or not, this is actually something we debated the first week of class - and it was something that I, personally, had never really thought about. I always just thought of YA lit as YA lit - ya know? (I'm really articulate, can you tell? D: )

As a class, we eventually decided that YA lit can be classified by the following criteria:

• Told through the viewpoint of a young adult with an adolescent voice (angst, anger, emotional – true to life)
• Focuses on characters in that particular age group (around high school age)
• Focused around more advanced and serious topics like violence, sexuality (as opposed to middle school books being about “finding my place in the world”)
• Conflicts are more internal (as opposed to external in middle school lit); often about a character being out of his/her comfort zone or about becoming an adult

I'm sure there are more, but for now, we'll just stick to these, shall we?

With that, in this blog I plan to:

1. Pick a YA book that covers some "tough stuff" and read it
2. Give you guys a brief teaser for the novel at the beginning of an entry
3. Label things with a spoiler warning (because really, who likes being smacked in the face with spoilers?)
4. and then talk about the book as a whole and a lot about feelings and why the book was important and what it meant to me and why and blah blah blah~

I know that for a while  it'll seem like I'm just talking to myself (which I do a lot of normally, to be honest), but it is my hope that people will eventually come here to converse about the issues that these books bring up. I can only hope that my blunt honesty will give you a bit of courage to open up and talk. 

The entire point of this blog is to let readers like you use literature as an ice breaker. -- To talk about things you might normally shy away from mentioning because they're not "normal." To let you know that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. To let you know there is hope even when things suck.

Anything goes here. You will not be shunned for your feelings. You will not be defined by things that have happened to you or things you have done in the past that you are ashamed of.

You will be accepted with open arms here - You are not alone. 

AndIloveyouokaybye. 

Introduction

Welcome

Hello there, Reader!

I've never been good at either "hello"s or "goodbye"s, so I apologize for whatever may ensue. (Also, I apologize a lot. Sorry, get used to it. Derp.)
Anyway~

Hi! My name is Liz, and I'm an English major at a private university in Illinois. Since this already feels like a "it'sthefirstdayofclasssharesomethinginterestingaboutyourselfwiththeclass" thing, I think I'll just nonchalantly mention that I can lick my elbow and bend my body into a human pretzel. It's pretty gross.

But - yes - school - English - literature! Now, I won't lie to you, I originally thought up the idea for this blog as an end of the semester project for one of my favorite classes, Young Adult Literature. The guidelines for the final project were so broad that after having a mini spazz attack over having far too many choices, I thought it could be fun (or perhaps a horrible mistake) to make something that people in the real world might actually use. I know the chances of that happening are pretty low -  but for now, I can pretend... right Non-existent Reader?

Something you must know is that I'm one of the only people in my Young Adult Lit class who chose to be there; most of my peers are education majors who are required to take the class to graduate. I'm just a weirdo 20-year-old who still hasn't "grown out of" the Young Adult genre (though, I could argue that no one ever really "grows out of it," one simply chooses to leave it behind -- but that's a rant for another day).

It probably seems silly, but in the past few years Young Adult lit has gotten me through more rough times than I can count. I mean, I know I'm not the only one who has used reading as a form of escapism or as a crutch when trying to face reality, but either way, no one ever really talks about it - especially when it focuses around "tough stuff," or taboo subjects, or things like that. I don't know about you, but I feel like my entire life has been one craphole after another. The crap has just manifested itself differently from year to year. We all face crap in our lives, especially when we're growing up, but no one ever talks about it -- and it sucks!

So... I'm here. To actually, ya know, TALK about it.
I'm going to read some "tough stuff"-y YA lit and review that YA lit and connect it to my life in hopes that you, too, can face the skeletons in your closet one day. Maybe it'll be today. Maybe it'll be a few weeks, or months, or years - or maybe never - I don't know.
Just remember: no matter how you may feel sometimes, you're not alone.
You are never alone. 


Click here for info on the format of this blog!