Willow

Julia Hoban

"... there's a terrible disconnect between what she does and what she feels when she sees the fruits of her labor, but it is not easy to be rational when the urge to cut is upon her." - Narrator, Willow

Willow is a 16-year old girl who has recently become an orphan. Both of her parents died in the same terrible car crash one rainy night -

While Willow was behind the wheel. She left the wreck physically unscathed, but mentally a  complete wreck. Feeling the burden of "being responsible" for both of her parents' deaths, she implodes into herself and struggles to find a way to cope with her guilt. She can barely look at her brother, David, and her peers at school don't know how to talk to her anymore now that she's been through this trauma. So - Willow turns to cutting herself to express her pain and to feel something - anything - other than guilt and shame.

But when she meets a boy named Guy (silly name in my opinion), Willow begins to learn how to live again.

Self-harm, like eating disorders, is yet another social taboo that many people don't talk about except to make fun or to accuse the people who turn to it of being "attention whores."

Once again, ignorance is apparently all the rage in the general population.

There are so many reasons why people, especially young people, self-harm. Sometimes it's to express pain they can't put into words, sometimes it's to punish themselves, or to "see" emotional pain, or to feel anything other than their overbearing emotions, just for a moment.
To not have to think for a bit.
Regardless of why people do it, just the fact that someone would intentionally hurt themselves - slice into their own skin -like that is troubling.
Even if someone is "doing it for attention" then there's clearly something that needs to be dealt with right there. Why are they so desperate for someone to pay attention to them?

Anyone who self-harms needs help.

The first time I intentionally hurt myself, I think I was in 6th grade. It started out with me accidentally stabbing myself with one of those wire coat hangers; something was happening with my father and I had ran into my room, shut the door, and slid, back against the door, to the ground where the hanger was. The pain was unbearable and I clutched at my hand in pain before realizing that I hadn't thought about the father altercation because I was distracted by the pain.
So - it started out as scratching and then progressed into worse things that eventually led to scarring. I didn't really know what I was doing; I didn't know it was a "real thing." I just knew thought it helped. It was my way of punishing myself for being a bad person while making me not think at the same time. It was addicting.

It always made me feel better in that moment - but then it would all just come back and I would be left with scars that just made me think of everything that I wanted to forget in the first place.

The scars I have remind me of it every day - my past, my mistakes, my failed attempts at being "okay" - there's hundreds of white lines on my body, mostly on my stomach.
I see them every day. Every. Single. Day.
I haven't been to the beach in years. I can't stand to be in rooms with certain fluorescent lights because I can see them more clearly. I can't wear all the clothes I'd like to.

I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm scared of what people would assume - or having to explain it to people if they asked. Because what would I even say?

I think what I'm trying to say is, I don't want you to end up like me - 20, still coping, ashamed of what I've done to myself, no way to go back.
There are better ways to cope - or at least distract yourself from the urges until they pass and you can find a completely new way to cope.

LOOK

THEM.

AT

Here are some things I do:

• Look at loads and loads of pictures of baby animals (See above -- I have a 250+ photo album on Facebook all for this.)
• Journal (Like I said here, it's kept me sane.)
• Color in a coloring book
• Draw on yourself around the places you would usually hurt yourself (create a nice landscape or some cute puppies)
• Don't allow yourself to be alone (sometimes I walk and visit people or professors or go to the library)
• Record yourself rambling into your webcam to try to make sense of your feelings (also, talking to yourself in a mirror)
• Call a friend (you don't have to tell them what's going on, just keep occupied)
• Read a book!
• Cry (Sometimes if I just cry it out, I get sleepy and can [see next] )
• Curl yourself up in a blanket burrito and take a nap in the warmth
• Play some video games
• Take up a hobby (sewing and crocheting are actually really fun)
• Do anyttthiiinnnngggg!

I haven't hurt myself since April of 2012. I know it doesn't seem like long time, but now, whenever I get the urge to do anything, I just think "No, you're not going to screw it up now! It's been __ months! You got this." And then I distract myself until the feeling goes away.

Sometimes it takes a while, but it does go away.

If I can do it, you can too.
I believe in you.

Wintergirls - Zoe Letting Go

 Laurie Halse Anderson -- Nora Price

"I took the knife out of my pocket and cut my palm, just a little. 'I swear to be the skinniest girl in school, skinnier than you.' 
Cassie's eyes got big as the blood pooled in my hand. She grabbed the knife and slashed her palm. 'I bet I'll be skinnier than you.'
'No, don't make it a bet. Let's be skinniest together.'
'Okay, but I'll be skinnier.'"

When we first meet Lia, she has just found out that her ex-best friend, Cassie, has been found alone, in a motel room - dead. The two hadn't spoken in months - not since Lia had been released from her second failed stay at a treatment center and Cassie's parents had forced her to seek help too. Cassie blamed Lia for all of her problems, for her failing grades and disintegrating body - Lia, Cassie claimed, was "a negative influence, a toxic shadow." Before this, the two had been inseparable - best friends for years, they did everything together. They even made a pact to be the skinniest girls in school together. But as their pact developed into full-blown disorders, and these disorders were no longer under their control, everything fell apart. Now that Cassie is dead, Lia is left alone to wonder why Cassie called her the night she died and why Cassie seems to be visiting her when all Lia wants to do is forget. But time is running short - Lia's disorder is growing stronger as time passes, and she may be closer to Cassie than she realizes.


One day during the summer before her junior year of high school, Zoe is awakened by her mother early in the morning and told to pack a suitcase with enough clothing to last six weeks. She soon finds herself in the passenger seat of her mother's car, their destination unknown. In no time at all, she is abandoned at a huge mansion in the middle of nowhere with five  "hollow," "frail,"and "twiglike creatures" - or girls suffering from the eating disorder anorexia. Zoe is admitted to this 36-day long recovery program at Twin Birch - but what she doesn't understand is why. Zoe says she's not sick; that she's not thin enough to be there; that she's perfectly fine. Through a combination of journal entries and letters to her best friend at home, Elise, we follow Zoe's time spent at Twin Birch. But after weeks of not hearing back from Elise, Zoe feels more alone than ever.

The most obvious issue that's brought up in both of these books is eating disorders.
Eating disorders are complicated mental disorders. People don't really talk about them in the "real world;" the most you'll hear about eating disorders during a normal day is if someone is making some sort of sick joke.
This stems from ignorance, or just simply being unaware. People assume that eating disorders are just extreme diets, all about losing weight, all about deciding to destroy your body. Choosing to "try to lose weight" that way. But they're not. Not really.

Last year, I wrote a paper where I tried to "identify contributing factors in the causation of eating disorders;" I interviewed a bunch of girls who were sick and read a bunch of medical books that were hard to understand - and I was eventually left with no concrete answer. No one really knows why these things happen - some girls blamed it on abuse as a child, the media, peer pressure, wanting to belong, wanting to feel like she had control over just one aspect of her life.
Every case is different and equally as serious.

Because Wintergirls is written in the first person from the perspective of Lia, and because Zoe Letting Go is written in half journal (similar to Go Ask Alice, only more poetic) / half letter format, we, as readers, get insight into the minds of girls inflicted with eating disorders. We see their extreme self-hatred - their daily, hourly, minutely obsession with food, exercise, control - especially in Lia's case. Lia is in deep, while Zoe is mostly in denial.
The point is - there is nothing beautiful about struggling with an eating disorder.

Eating disorders are serious mental diseases. They're easy to hide, easy to make up excuses for if the person wants to. And someone with an eating disorder might not necessarily be stick-thin. It's hard to tell sometimes, but if you think you or someone you know might be sick, please tell someone.
Before it's too late.

I think it's equally important to mention that these two stories point out the influence our friends can have over us - for good and bad. I think that's something that we can all relate to, whether or not we've dealt with eating disorders personally.
Lia and Cassie's relationship was clearly co-destructive, and Cassie refused to acknowledge it until it was too late for her. Zoe and Elise's relationship was co-destructive too, but since Zoe is in treatment and can't talk directly to Elise anymore, it takes on a different level.
Either way, both pairs of girls "fell into it" together.

Now - I know this might be a little extreme to use as an example. You're probably thinking, "Liz - do you think we're stupid? That we would do this to ourselves and someone we love?! No! You're an idiot!"
But hear me out -- Has anyone ever told you that "so-and-so isn't good for you?" Either a parent or teacher or another friend?

Amy Poehler's a cool cat. Did you know?

I'm not going to say they're right 100% of the time, but sometimes it's hard to tell that someone is bad for us when we're in the middle of it.
Sometimes, though, you just get these gut feelings about people. You know? Where you're just not... sure...?

Listen to Amy Poehler, "Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it."

You're worth it.

Rape Girl

Alina Klein

"Rape is the only crime in which the victim has to prove her innocence." - Ms. Gimli, Rape Girl

That quote is horrible. And disgusting. And it makes me cringe.
But it's kind of true.

We've already touched on the topic of rape on this blog with Speak , but today's novel tackles the issue much more head-on.

On the very first page, we learn that 16-year-old Valerie has been raped. On a weekend when her mother was away, Valerie decided to have a party, inviting everyone in hopes that her crush, Adam, would show up. When he does, Valerie is already tipsy, and Adam just has her drink more. Near the end of the night, he pulls her into a room to be alone, but she vomits all over his shoes before anything can happen.
The next morning, Valerie is extremely hungover; she takes a nap on the couch, but when she wakes up, she finds herself completely naked .  Adam had somehow gotten into the house and raped Valerie when she was sleeping and her little sister was playing outside in the snow.
When Valerie's mom comes home, they call the police together and an investigation begins.
The thing is, though - none of her peers believe that it was rape. Not even her best friend. They saw her at the party and said she was "more than willing" do to whatever Adam wanted. When Valerie finally goes back to school, insults are spit at her left and right, and she can't get through a day without being harassed.
Valerie's life becomes even more of a living hell as the investigation develops.

To be honest, this was one of toughest novels for me to read. It was a short read, only about 125 pages, but it was full of emotions that were hard for me to handle. I feel like most of the novels that I've read for this blog have made me sad or contemplative, more than anything -- this was the first one to rile up anger in me.

The idea that a woman is responsible for her rape, like some of Valerie's peers suggested, is absolutely ridiculous.
"No" means no. Hesitation means no. Unconsciousness means no. Anything short of "yes" means NO. If someone doesn't respect that - THEY are in the wrong. (not you)
You are not responsible for things that happen to you.

It's hard for me to talk about this topic because it's still something that I'm struggling with; I avoid talking about it in counseling sessions - I avoid talking about it at all, really. I want to help you guys with these things, but it's hard - so please bare with me if I make no sense.

My freshman year of college, I was sexually assaulted not once, but twice. The first time, I had just shared really personal information about my past, and I guess the guy thought doing so was an invitation into my pants.
The second time I've only told two people about and I'm not going to talk about it here because I will start crying on the keyboard.

I still blame myself for things. Even though people tell me over and over again it wasn't my fault, and I carry around this silly "It's not your fault" card, sometimes I don't believe it. Logically, I know that it wasn't my fault - that I can't control the actions of others - but sometimes I think it's just easier for me to blame myself than to face the anger and realize that I can't go back in time and stop it from happening.
If you've been through things like this - I think you know what I mean.

Sometimes I just feel like my life has been one cosmic joke.

When I was first trying to figure out what to write in this post, I hit a brick wall. Most of the time I felt like I was just being a hypocrite because I find it hard to take my own advice. But... I'm going to try, okay?

Please. Never allow anyone to tell you to "get over it." Never allow anyone to make you believe it was your fault. Never allow anyone to make you feel like you have to forgive the person who hurt you.
Never give up.

Don't let anyone to force you to talk about it if you're not ready.
But - I know it's hard - but if you can - speak out. You might prevent it from happening to someone else.

Above all - when you find support, cling to it. I promise, not all people in the world are shit.  There are good people out there who will welcome you with open arms and help you feel safe again.
When you find those people, hang onto them. Okay?
You're worth it. You deserve to feel safe and in control of your life.

I love you.


Check out rainn.org for lots of information.
Or call 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) if you need/want a trained person to talk to.

(or leave a comment or send me a message if you want to talk to me or something?)