Willow

Julia Hoban

"... there's a terrible disconnect between what she does and what she feels when she sees the fruits of her labor, but it is not easy to be rational when the urge to cut is upon her." - Narrator, Willow

Willow is a 16-year old girl who has recently become an orphan. Both of her parents died in the same terrible car crash one rainy night -

While Willow was behind the wheel. She left the wreck physically unscathed, but mentally a  complete wreck. Feeling the burden of "being responsible" for both of her parents' deaths, she implodes into herself and struggles to find a way to cope with her guilt. She can barely look at her brother, David, and her peers at school don't know how to talk to her anymore now that she's been through this trauma. So - Willow turns to cutting herself to express her pain and to feel something - anything - other than guilt and shame.

But when she meets a boy named Guy (silly name in my opinion), Willow begins to learn how to live again.

Self-harm, like eating disorders, is yet another social taboo that many people don't talk about except to make fun or to accuse the people who turn to it of being "attention whores."

Once again, ignorance is apparently all the rage in the general population.

There are so many reasons why people, especially young people, self-harm. Sometimes it's to express pain they can't put into words, sometimes it's to punish themselves, or to "see" emotional pain, or to feel anything other than their overbearing emotions, just for a moment.
To not have to think for a bit.
Regardless of why people do it, just the fact that someone would intentionally hurt themselves - slice into their own skin -like that is troubling.
Even if someone is "doing it for attention" then there's clearly something that needs to be dealt with right there. Why are they so desperate for someone to pay attention to them?

Anyone who self-harms needs help.

The first time I intentionally hurt myself, I think I was in 6th grade. It started out with me accidentally stabbing myself with one of those wire coat hangers; something was happening with my father and I had ran into my room, shut the door, and slid, back against the door, to the ground where the hanger was. The pain was unbearable and I clutched at my hand in pain before realizing that I hadn't thought about the father altercation because I was distracted by the pain.
So - it started out as scratching and then progressed into worse things that eventually led to scarring. I didn't really know what I was doing; I didn't know it was a "real thing." I just knew thought it helped. It was my way of punishing myself for being a bad person while making me not think at the same time. It was addicting.

It always made me feel better in that moment - but then it would all just come back and I would be left with scars that just made me think of everything that I wanted to forget in the first place.

The scars I have remind me of it every day - my past, my mistakes, my failed attempts at being "okay" - there's hundreds of white lines on my body, mostly on my stomach.
I see them every day. Every. Single. Day.
I haven't been to the beach in years. I can't stand to be in rooms with certain fluorescent lights because I can see them more clearly. I can't wear all the clothes I'd like to.

I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm scared of what people would assume - or having to explain it to people if they asked. Because what would I even say?

I think what I'm trying to say is, I don't want you to end up like me - 20, still coping, ashamed of what I've done to myself, no way to go back.
There are better ways to cope - or at least distract yourself from the urges until they pass and you can find a completely new way to cope.

LOOK

THEM.

AT

Here are some things I do:

• Look at loads and loads of pictures of baby animals (See above -- I have a 250+ photo album on Facebook all for this.)
• Journal (Like I said here, it's kept me sane.)
• Color in a coloring book
• Draw on yourself around the places you would usually hurt yourself (create a nice landscape or some cute puppies)
• Don't allow yourself to be alone (sometimes I walk and visit people or professors or go to the library)
• Record yourself rambling into your webcam to try to make sense of your feelings (also, talking to yourself in a mirror)
• Call a friend (you don't have to tell them what's going on, just keep occupied)
• Read a book!
• Cry (Sometimes if I just cry it out, I get sleepy and can [see next] )
• Curl yourself up in a blanket burrito and take a nap in the warmth
• Play some video games
• Take up a hobby (sewing and crocheting are actually really fun)
• Do anyttthiiinnnngggg!

I haven't hurt myself since April of 2012. I know it doesn't seem like long time, but now, whenever I get the urge to do anything, I just think "No, you're not going to screw it up now! It's been __ months! You got this." And then I distract myself until the feeling goes away.

Sometimes it takes a while, but it does go away.

If I can do it, you can too.
I believe in you.

Wintergirls - Zoe Letting Go

 Laurie Halse Anderson -- Nora Price

"I took the knife out of my pocket and cut my palm, just a little. 'I swear to be the skinniest girl in school, skinnier than you.' 
Cassie's eyes got big as the blood pooled in my hand. She grabbed the knife and slashed her palm. 'I bet I'll be skinnier than you.'
'No, don't make it a bet. Let's be skinniest together.'
'Okay, but I'll be skinnier.'"

When we first meet Lia, she has just found out that her ex-best friend, Cassie, has been found alone, in a motel room - dead. The two hadn't spoken in months - not since Lia had been released from her second failed stay at a treatment center and Cassie's parents had forced her to seek help too. Cassie blamed Lia for all of her problems, for her failing grades and disintegrating body - Lia, Cassie claimed, was "a negative influence, a toxic shadow." Before this, the two had been inseparable - best friends for years, they did everything together. They even made a pact to be the skinniest girls in school together. But as their pact developed into full-blown disorders, and these disorders were no longer under their control, everything fell apart. Now that Cassie is dead, Lia is left alone to wonder why Cassie called her the night she died and why Cassie seems to be visiting her when all Lia wants to do is forget. But time is running short - Lia's disorder is growing stronger as time passes, and she may be closer to Cassie than she realizes.


One day during the summer before her junior year of high school, Zoe is awakened by her mother early in the morning and told to pack a suitcase with enough clothing to last six weeks. She soon finds herself in the passenger seat of her mother's car, their destination unknown. In no time at all, she is abandoned at a huge mansion in the middle of nowhere with five  "hollow," "frail,"and "twiglike creatures" - or girls suffering from the eating disorder anorexia. Zoe is admitted to this 36-day long recovery program at Twin Birch - but what she doesn't understand is why. Zoe says she's not sick; that she's not thin enough to be there; that she's perfectly fine. Through a combination of journal entries and letters to her best friend at home, Elise, we follow Zoe's time spent at Twin Birch. But after weeks of not hearing back from Elise, Zoe feels more alone than ever.

The most obvious issue that's brought up in both of these books is eating disorders.
Eating disorders are complicated mental disorders. People don't really talk about them in the "real world;" the most you'll hear about eating disorders during a normal day is if someone is making some sort of sick joke.
This stems from ignorance, or just simply being unaware. People assume that eating disorders are just extreme diets, all about losing weight, all about deciding to destroy your body. Choosing to "try to lose weight" that way. But they're not. Not really.

Last year, I wrote a paper where I tried to "identify contributing factors in the causation of eating disorders;" I interviewed a bunch of girls who were sick and read a bunch of medical books that were hard to understand - and I was eventually left with no concrete answer. No one really knows why these things happen - some girls blamed it on abuse as a child, the media, peer pressure, wanting to belong, wanting to feel like she had control over just one aspect of her life.
Every case is different and equally as serious.

Because Wintergirls is written in the first person from the perspective of Lia, and because Zoe Letting Go is written in half journal (similar to Go Ask Alice, only more poetic) / half letter format, we, as readers, get insight into the minds of girls inflicted with eating disorders. We see their extreme self-hatred - their daily, hourly, minutely obsession with food, exercise, control - especially in Lia's case. Lia is in deep, while Zoe is mostly in denial.
The point is - there is nothing beautiful about struggling with an eating disorder.

Eating disorders are serious mental diseases. They're easy to hide, easy to make up excuses for if the person wants to. And someone with an eating disorder might not necessarily be stick-thin. It's hard to tell sometimes, but if you think you or someone you know might be sick, please tell someone.
Before it's too late.

I think it's equally important to mention that these two stories point out the influence our friends can have over us - for good and bad. I think that's something that we can all relate to, whether or not we've dealt with eating disorders personally.
Lia and Cassie's relationship was clearly co-destructive, and Cassie refused to acknowledge it until it was too late for her. Zoe and Elise's relationship was co-destructive too, but since Zoe is in treatment and can't talk directly to Elise anymore, it takes on a different level.
Either way, both pairs of girls "fell into it" together.

Now - I know this might be a little extreme to use as an example. You're probably thinking, "Liz - do you think we're stupid? That we would do this to ourselves and someone we love?! No! You're an idiot!"
But hear me out -- Has anyone ever told you that "so-and-so isn't good for you?" Either a parent or teacher or another friend?

Amy Poehler's a cool cat. Did you know?

I'm not going to say they're right 100% of the time, but sometimes it's hard to tell that someone is bad for us when we're in the middle of it.
Sometimes, though, you just get these gut feelings about people. You know? Where you're just not... sure...?

Listen to Amy Poehler, "Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it."

You're worth it.

Rape Girl

Alina Klein

"Rape is the only crime in which the victim has to prove her innocence." - Ms. Gimli, Rape Girl

That quote is horrible. And disgusting. And it makes me cringe.
But it's kind of true.

We've already touched on the topic of rape on this blog with Speak , but today's novel tackles the issue much more head-on.

On the very first page, we learn that 16-year-old Valerie has been raped. On a weekend when her mother was away, Valerie decided to have a party, inviting everyone in hopes that her crush, Adam, would show up. When he does, Valerie is already tipsy, and Adam just has her drink more. Near the end of the night, he pulls her into a room to be alone, but she vomits all over his shoes before anything can happen.
The next morning, Valerie is extremely hungover; she takes a nap on the couch, but when she wakes up, she finds herself completely naked .  Adam had somehow gotten into the house and raped Valerie when she was sleeping and her little sister was playing outside in the snow.
When Valerie's mom comes home, they call the police together and an investigation begins.
The thing is, though - none of her peers believe that it was rape. Not even her best friend. They saw her at the party and said she was "more than willing" do to whatever Adam wanted. When Valerie finally goes back to school, insults are spit at her left and right, and she can't get through a day without being harassed.
Valerie's life becomes even more of a living hell as the investigation develops.

To be honest, this was one of toughest novels for me to read. It was a short read, only about 125 pages, but it was full of emotions that were hard for me to handle. I feel like most of the novels that I've read for this blog have made me sad or contemplative, more than anything -- this was the first one to rile up anger in me.

The idea that a woman is responsible for her rape, like some of Valerie's peers suggested, is absolutely ridiculous.
"No" means no. Hesitation means no. Unconsciousness means no. Anything short of "yes" means NO. If someone doesn't respect that - THEY are in the wrong. (not you)
You are not responsible for things that happen to you.

It's hard for me to talk about this topic because it's still something that I'm struggling with; I avoid talking about it in counseling sessions - I avoid talking about it at all, really. I want to help you guys with these things, but it's hard - so please bare with me if I make no sense.

My freshman year of college, I was sexually assaulted not once, but twice. The first time, I had just shared really personal information about my past, and I guess the guy thought doing so was an invitation into my pants.
The second time I've only told two people about and I'm not going to talk about it here because I will start crying on the keyboard.

I still blame myself for things. Even though people tell me over and over again it wasn't my fault, and I carry around this silly "It's not your fault" card, sometimes I don't believe it. Logically, I know that it wasn't my fault - that I can't control the actions of others - but sometimes I think it's just easier for me to blame myself than to face the anger and realize that I can't go back in time and stop it from happening.
If you've been through things like this - I think you know what I mean.

Sometimes I just feel like my life has been one cosmic joke.

When I was first trying to figure out what to write in this post, I hit a brick wall. Most of the time I felt like I was just being a hypocrite because I find it hard to take my own advice. But... I'm going to try, okay?

Please. Never allow anyone to tell you to "get over it." Never allow anyone to make you believe it was your fault. Never allow anyone to make you feel like you have to forgive the person who hurt you.
Never give up.

Don't let anyone to force you to talk about it if you're not ready.
But - I know it's hard - but if you can - speak out. You might prevent it from happening to someone else.

Above all - when you find support, cling to it. I promise, not all people in the world are shit.  There are good people out there who will welcome you with open arms and help you feel safe again.
When you find those people, hang onto them. Okay?
You're worth it. You deserve to feel safe and in control of your life.

I love you.


Check out rainn.org for lots of information.
Or call 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) if you need/want a trained person to talk to.

(or leave a comment or send me a message if you want to talk to me or something?)

Go Ask Alice

“At this stage in my life nothingness is better than somethingness.” 
– narrator, Go Ask Alice

I think most people have felt like that before – that it would be better to give up for a bit. To “stop life and get off,” as the narrator of this novel says. When I was younger, I used to think that maybe I'd grow out of feelings like that - but I must admit that at 20, I still feel like jumping ship sometimes. And I know plenty of adults , including those who are older than I am, feel that way too.

I think that's why we're drawn to stories of struggle - because pain is part of the human experience that we all understand to some extent.

Go Ask Alice is the story of a 15-year-old girl growing up in the 70s. Now, her real name is never actually mentioned, but just for simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to her as Alice. Alice has just turned 15 and is at the end of yet another school year. Because her only close friend has gone to camp for the summer, Alice decides to visit her grandparents in the town she used to live for the summer months. While visiting, she meets some new friends, but she quickly discovers that they’re not who she thought they were. What started with a game of “Buttons, buttons, who’s got the buttons,” a “game” involving sodas laced with LSD, Alice is hooked, trapped in a downward spiral into drug addiction. Severe drug addiction. For an entire year, it sends her running around the country in search of her next fix and a new place to belong.

While intriguing on its own, I think the most interesting aspect of the novel is that it’s written as a personal diary. There has been debate over whether or not this is an actual diary (the editor claims it is, but the public is skeptical), but the voice, tone, and language all reflect what you would expect to find in the secret diary of a young teenager.

For as long as I can remember, journaling is something I’ve done to keep me sane; I have journals dating back to first grade, and I still keep one today (though there never seems to be enough time to write in it as much as I’d like). I’ve never shared my journals with anyone, and in all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. Journaling is such a deeply intimate experience. Most of the time, empty pages are easier to talk to than people. Within journals, we can actually say what’s on our minds instead of editing our thoughts for presentation to others. We can work though issues, express ourselves, figure things out.

I think that’s why I found Go Ask Alice so fascinating. We are seeing the uncut thoughts of a girl grappling with a life of addiction when we read. We are in her head completely; all we get to hear is her side, her story, her pure, honest emotions. We are helpless observers of Alice’s cyclical addiction and loss of innocence.

If you journal - WHY do you journal? Is it because you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to? Do you feel like you can only be completely honest with yourself and that piece of paper? Are you nervous or scared to talk about it?
Maybe you feel like no one - not even you - understands exactly what you're going through and you just need time to figure it out?

Somewhat surprisingly, Alice’s family is wonderfully supportive throughout her entire struggle. Sure, they don't completely understand what she's going through (because no one really can without being in the other person's shoes), but Alice runs away from home more than once, only to be welcomed back with open arms by her family each time. I mean - she left her family in total darkness, and felt like she didn't deserve her family because they were being so great - but despite this, they still cared. They still loved her.

I think this shows two things:
1.  You don't have to come from a "rough and tough" background or home life to go through things like this.
2.The support you may find within your family system (or anywhere, really- like school) may surprise you.

Here's a puppy - please smile!

I feel like a common misconception is that anyone with a "problem" can blame that problem on something that happened to them when they were growing up. You know - the old Freudian "blame it on the parents" bit. I guess that can be true sometimes - but sometimes things just... happen. Life happens and there's no real way to place blame - not like blaming solves anything anyway.
Sometimes if people think they "don't have a reason" for feeling bad about life, they then feel guilty about feeling bad - and that just makes anything worse. People make them feel like they have "no right" to feel the way that you do.
That is NOT the case. Like my old teacher said "there is no need to ever apologize for feelings." You can't help what you feel, and it's really not your fault. Your feelings are just as valid as someone who's had a different past than you have.

Also - give your family a shot. I know sometimes you might feel like they have no idea - but you really can't know for sure until you try.
If you're right, and they're not supportive (or they're the cause of your misfortune), keep trying with other people. Go to an extended family member or a teacher or a best friend who can help you find help.
Someone will help you. You just can't give up.

Like I said in the Everybody Sees the Ants post, no matter what you're going through you ARE worth the help. You don't deserve to be feeling like poop.
Try. It just takes one sentence.
“I need you.”

Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes

Chris Crutcher

“There is no need to ever apologize for feelings. Deserved or not, feelings are real reactions to the happenings around us. They can change over time, but they are still real.” 
– Mrs. C, my 8th grade English teacher

I’m not really sure why, but ever since I was little, I’ve looked up to teachers more than any other adults in my life. Maybe it’s just because we spend so much time in school as kids that we grow to look up to teachers as second parents – or something – but teachers, whether they realized it or not, were my role models in every sense of the word growing up. Some impacted me more than others, and some for good or bad, but every single one taught me something. Freshman year of high school, Mr. B made me cry during Honors World History and proceeded to laugh about it, helping me realize that some adults never really grow up. Before that though, in eighth grade, I had Mrs. C. Without her, I probably wouldn’t be alive.

When I read the focus novel of this post, Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes, I found myself constantly thinking about Mrs. C and our relationship.

You see - Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes is a novel that revolves around two friends, Eric and Sarah; they were very close friends in elementary in middle school, but since high school has started, they’ve grown apart. They used to bond over the fact that they were social outcasts of sorts – Eric was a chubby, awkward kid and Sarah has burns over a majority of her body from a childhood accident. Once the two reached high school, though, Eric started to grow into his chubbiness and make friends; Sarah fell to the wayside. Their senior year, Sarah ends up in a mental institution where she refuses to talk to anyone. Eric visits Sarah daily at the hospital and tries to figure out what has happened to her. As more of Sarah’s story develops, Eric finds himself turning to one if his teachers, Mrs. Lemry, for guidance. Mrs. Lemry ends up sacrificing a lot personally and taking a handful of risks to do what she can to help her students. She even takes Sarah under her wing and keeps her safe when the time calls for it. It’s hard to explain exactly how much Mrs. Lemry did for Sarah and Eric without giving away huge plot points of the novel, but trust me that it was big – matters of life and death big.

Now – maybe not all teacher-student relationships in your life have been this... intense... but I'm sure that each one of you reading have at least one teacher that sticks out in your mind as someone who changed your life for the better.

Teachers are like surrogate parents for most of us when we're growing up; I mean, we do spend just as much if not more time in school than we do in hour homes. I think it's natural for us to gravitate towards teachers as role models, or people we grow to trust.

Teachers went into the teaching career for a reason. They either really love the subject they're teaching or they love kids and want to make a difference. Whatever the reason behind going in to teaching, in choosing to be a teacher, each teacher adopted a pledge to be an advocate for every student he or she comes across. So - technically - every teacher should be there for you. Then again, there are always those teachers who go above and beyond. You know, the ones who go out of their way to help out or actually notice that you're having a bad day and ask about it?

That's what Mrs. C was for me. I had her for 2 classes my entire eighth grade year, so I spent at least an hour and a half around her every day. I'm not even sure what started it, but really soon into the start of the school year, I would go to her classroom like half an hour before the day started and help her set things up or just talk-- and then I'd go there after school too, where we'd talk about random things or work in silence on separate things. She never pried, but she knew something was wrong - that there was a reason that I never wanted to be at home - that something wasn't right. She would smile at me in the halls or in class randomly, or pat my shoulder as she passed. Little things to say, "I'm here." She always told me I could talk to her if I needed to, but I didn't take her up on it then. But just knowing she was there and she cared was enough to keep me going.

Even when I got to high school, and she wasn't technically my teacher anymore, she was still there for me. We e-mailed back and forth and I would come visit at the beginning and end of the school years to help set up and take down her classroom. I didn't know it was her at the time, but my freshman year, she anonymously contacted my guidance counselor at my high school because I had visited and she noticed I had lost like 15 pounds; she knew I had an "eating thing" in the past and was really concerned about me.

My junior year, when everything was happening with Mary's suicide, Mrs. C kept me going. I was upset with her for a while because she had reported me to my high school again out of concern - so I didn't want to talk to her for a few months - but she was always in the back of my mind, pushing me. She cared enough to say something to someone to get me help I desperately needed. She always told me she "wasn't qualified" to talk me through things once they got super serious, but she was the only one I ever really wanted to talk to. She was my motivation to stay alive - I knew she cared about me, and it would hurt her if I was gone.

Even today, when I'm back in my home time, we meet for lunch to catch up. It's bittersweet, really.
I've tried to tell her a few times, but I don't think she's aware of how much she really means to me. She's my role model, my rock, my surrogate Momandbestfriend -- I don't know - my words just don't work.

Maybe that was a round-about way of explaining it - but my teacher saved my life. More than once.
Maybe it's a bit of an extreme example, but -- teachers really do care. Really. Mrs. C isn't the only one out there.
I'm sure you have one of your own in your mind right now.

Sometimes it can be weird trying to talk to a teacher - you worry about being judged or making things weird - but most of them really do care. They want to be there for you. They can help you - or if they can't, they'll help refer you to someone who can.
They're really more observant that you probably think. They notice when you're acting differently than usual. They grow to see you as their own kids in a way.

So try. You don't have to tell them your whole life story, or anything big, really. But you can try to form a comfy relationship. Like Sarah Byrnes, and Eric, and me. Teachers can be more than just your teachers if you want or need them to be.
You have nothing to lose from trying, right?

Looking For Alaska

John Green

John Green has been one of my favorite authors for a while now. I discovered him a few years ago after first finding his vlogs on Youtube. It was weird, finding an author on the internet like that, but when I first read Looking for Alaska as a high schooler, I was hooked. From that first book, I was drawn to John Green’s writing. He writes for “young adults,” yet he never writes down to us like some other YA authors tend to do. He touches on deep topics and has faith that his intended readers will understand what he is trying to say.

Looking For Alaska begins with the main character, Miles Halter, transferring to a new school. We learn right from the start that Miles is a bit of a quirky guy; he excels in school, but he also has the odd obsession of memorizing the last words (literally last words, right before they die) of famous people. Because of this, he really wants to find his "Great Perhaps," as said by Francois Reskjdhg -- a famous poet and author. Miles transfers to this new school, Culver Creek, which also happens to be a boarding school in pretty much the middle of nowhere, in hopes of finding his "great perhaps." At Culver Creek, Miles becomes a part of an odd group of friends that consists of Chip, Miles's roommate; Alaska, the girl Miles has a crush on; and Takumi and Lara, who round out the group. They've flocked together because they're sort of rejects, but because of this, they are strong. Each character has his or her own strengths and weaknesses that are fleshed out throughout the novel and are complimented by the others. They spend most of their time together growing close, pulling pranks, and getting into trouble. Somewhere along the way, Miles is pretty sure he's fallen in love with Alaska, and Miles, for the first time in a long time, is happy.

But one night - Alaska is in a car accident and dies - leaving all of her friends to grieve and wonder if her "accident" was truly was an accident or if she did it to herself. 

Warning: Spoilers Below

As I suspected, finishing Looking for Alaska this time around was emotional; I always get emotionally attached to the books that I read. When I last read Alaska, I was a sophomore in high school, and I remember feeling this intense connection with the book. I think I was fascinated by how much I related to Alaska as a character because it kind of scared me.

I had a rough time in high school. With everything going on at home, most of my time was devoted to trying to distract myself so I wouldn’t have to think about anything bad. I dove in to schoolwork and joined marching band and theater, and between the three, I had little time to let everything that had happened and was happening sink in. Like Alaska, I had become a pro at putting on a good face; I was energetic and funny most of the time. But sometimes I would break and self-destruct; I would show up to rehearsal sobbing or out of nowhere I would have to excuse myself from class to throw up and break down in the bathroom. From time to time I just stopped talking for a few days and was stuck in that state, dragging myself from place to place. Sometimes people would notice and ask me about it, but I would just say, “I’m fine. Just tired” and no one would ask again.

Alaska was like that too. She would break down and have “moody fits” (like Miles called them) out of nowhere, and then refuse to talk about it, the next day pretending like nothing had happened. She had self-destructive tendencies (smoking, drinking, impulsivity, ect.) and I did too, though they were different from hers. We both had trauma in our past that we felt guilty about and ashamed of. We both blamed ourselves for things that were not our fault.

Until this reading of Looking for Alaska, I had convinced myself that Alaska committed suicide. Because I identified with her so much, I had convinced myself of her suicide because it was what I would have done. I hadn’t realized that was the reason until recently.

My junior year of high school, I had a plan. I had a date. I had the pills. I had broken too many times and isolated myself to the point where I thought no one would have noticed if I just poofed away. Then – Mary, a friend I had grown up with, committed suicide. That was when I learned what it was like on the other side of Looking for Alaska – to be grieving like Miles and Chip and the rest of Alaska's friends - and I realized that I couldn't go through with my plan and put others through that. I felt the intense pain of losing someone I once knew and loved. I went through the questions. “Was there anything I could have done?” “Why?” “Where is she now?” And the misplaced blame. “It’s my fault. You should have been in touch with her more often. You could have helped her.” I felt like Miles and Chip. I wanted answers. Answers that, ultimately, I would never find.

The ambiguity regarding Alaska’s death reflects so much of life itself. There will always be unanswered questions - things that can’t be known or understood, no matter how much it pulls on one’s conscious and how much one wants it. Even though it sucks and is one of the hardest things to accept … life goes on. None of us will probably ever understand all we wish we could, but we will survive. 

We can make it though.

Wounds heal over time. They never go away completely. Rather, they become scars that act as faint reminders of the past.
But when those wounds have yet to heal, that can be the toughest - when we can't do anything but cling to those around us and hope, together, the pain can subside.

“When adults say, 'Teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.” - John Green

I'll leave these here, just in case. Don't be afraid to call if you need - they're really nice and there to help....
- Crisis Help Line – For Any Kind of Crisis: 1-800-233-4357
- National Adolescent Suicide Helpline: 1-800-621-4000
- Some info about grieving 

Everybody Sees the Ants

A.S. King

"Everybody Sees the Ants originated from an idea that we are all prisoners. An idea that bullying is a widely ignored form of torture. An idea that only we can choose to escape from our own prisons. An idea that no one can take something from us if we don't give it." - A.S. King

Bullying has popped up a lot in the media the past few years; “extreme” cases make the morning news and are the subjects of nighttime specials. This special attention makes parents and the general public think that those covered cases are rare and more extreme than usual, which is why they made the news in the first place. The fact of the matter is that bullying is a lot worse today than adults think. It is overrunning schools, despite efforts to talk about the issue. I remember in middle school they made us sit through movies and presentations all about bullying – entire days and weeks were devoted to "bullying prevention" - as if briefly talking about and putting up silly posters would make it all get better. If anything, I remember it just made things worse for kids like me. Bullies don't respond to interventions like this, because they aren't real interventions; bullies aren't being specifically called out and forced to see the impact their personal actions have on other human beings. They are pretty much given a pass for their behavior and continue on the next day as if nothing ever happened.

In Everybody Sees the Ants, we follow a teenage boy named Lucky (ironic, no?) who has been bullied mercilessly by one of his classmates since he was seven. The bullying has morphed over the years as they've aged - from name calling to physical beating - but the torture is something Lucky has come to accept as a permanent part of his life. He's tried to fight back after telling his parents and school officials, but they've all but written him off saying, “boys will be boys” or “it’s normal” or “I’m sure it’s not that bad.” So Lucky has no choice but to deal with it and find ways to cope; he does so by sleeping often, where he lives through elaborate dreams where he tries to save his Grandfather who went missing in action during the Vietnam War. Lucky stays in this dream world as long as possible because the real world is too much to deal with, and in doing so, the lines between fiction and reality become blurred. When we meet him, he and his mother are essentially fleeing from their problems - Lucky from his bully and his mother from her husband. They go to spend part of the summer with Lucky's uncle, where Lucky realizes that adults are just as (if not more) dysfunctional than kids. A whole bunch of other things happen while visiting the uncle which help to shape all of characters and lead them to life realizations, too (I'm vague on purpose - go read the book!).

I feel like when we're are young, we think adults have all the answers and have everything in general figured out. I know I did. But when serious issues like this are pushed to the side, it just makes us feel even more helpless and alone. In Lucky's case, his parents and school officials were scared to punish the bully because his father was a lawyer and they feared consequences. In my case, adults ignored it because, I assume, they thought it was too much of a hassle to deal with. What about in your case? If adults haven't tried to help, what was their excuse?
Because really - that's what it was - an excuse.

Sometimes adults don’t realize how their actions, no matter how small adults may think they are, can impact kids- especially in the case of bullying. I think it's advanced so much since their time that they don’t really have a clear idea as to what it’s really like. There's so many avenues that bullies can come at you from that there's no way to hide.

Listen: Anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself for being who you are is in the wrong.
You should NOT have to deal with being dehumanized and treated like crap, okay?

In not dealing with the problem, adults - parents, teachers, anyone - are perpetuating the cycle and contributing to it in ways all on their own. These people are supposed to be your advocates - they're supposed to be there for you.

Hold them accountable for their accountability to you.

You're worth it.

I know sometimes bullies can make you think that you're not worth much - but YOU ARE. You are worth the time and effort to make things better for yourself. I swear.

As Lucky's grandpa says in one of his dreams, "The world is full of assholes. What are you going to do to make sure you're not one of them?"
or rather -- what will you do to make sure those assholes don't win?
Don't give up; you're worth it.